A Few Steps Behind
by chibisanzo
Summary: It would have been so simple, to stop, and tell Tsuzuki and ask him things he couldn’t understand, but it wasn’t. He didn’t want Tsuzuki to smile, and say kind words, and ruffle his hair. They hurt, the kind gestures and affections. Postkyoto complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **A Few Steps Behind.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Except the words.

**Parts: **To be completed in two parts.

**A/N: **Post Kyoto-fic. shakes head Don't I ever get tired of post-Kyoto fics? It's like the lover that wouldn't break up. I should move on. Feedback is very much appreciated, and thank you.

They were on a new case by week two. Tsuzuki had been given a clean bill of health – at least physically— by the physician on duty at the infirmary, and was declared good to go. He certainly did look good on the outside, Hisoka had observed. All his cuts had cleared up by then, and the purplish bruises had returned to their normal color. He smiled a lot too, during visiting hours, when the whole lot of them stopped by to say hi to both the partners.

His eyes were still the same, always sad.

They hadn't talked about it, about what happened; only that one time, on the bank by the river, where less than twenty words had been exchanged.

Their latest case was no less gruesome than the last which had pushed Tsuzuki just enough to go over the edge.

It was a girl, this time, and she had been possessed, according to the files.

"What is her history?" Tsuzuki asked, his face a mirror of seriousness and genuine concern. He rested his hip on the conference table, as Hisoka sat hunched in his chair, carefully observing his partner.

-_Did_ _I do something wrong? Was my decision correct?_-

The office was cramped and small; Meifu had always been lacking in funds and worse so when Tsuzuki destroyed half of the building due to one of his many many 'mishaps', and had to make do with meager portions of conveniences such as these. A conference room was way too much on the budget, Tatsumi had said, and only approved construction on the conversion of one of the old offices when it was calculated that it would take less than 5 000 000 yen to build. It could barely fit five people as it did then, with Hisoka in the chair, Tsuzuki on the table, and the other three scattered around the periphery.

Watari slapped the folder on the table, and Tsuzuki picked it up. Flipping through the pages, Hisoka only noticed that the knot in the middle of his forehead got tighter and tighter. He was mumbling softly to himself, and the rest of them had to strain to hear the details. The mother was abusive and had no other children, the father was with another woman so he could care less, and it seemed as if the girl was hallucinating a lot. She was seeing ghosts around her lately, and was reported to have stabbed the mother in the thigh, because a demon asked her to.

The mother was safe, in hospital, recuperating. The girl, meanwhile, was sent to the psychiatric ward and hooked on sedatives to keep her unconscious.

Nurses at the hospital have complained of hearing voices from her ward at night, and sounds of hollow laughter. Three have refused to return, until the girl was gone.

Hisoka and Tsuzuki were needed, to investigate the situation, and, if need be, exorcise the ghost.

"You only become possessed when you are weak mentally," Watari explained. He took out another folder, and these contained spiritual diagrams of known demons and ghouls. "They possess to take over the body, because they do not have the flesh shell, to keep them earth-bound. The easiest way, would be to take over souls that have a desire to leave."

Hisoka glanced at Tsuzuki, whose face bore no signs whatsoever that he was affected. Tsuzuki turned, and caught his glance. He smiled softly and returned to Watari.

"So, we have to find out the cause of the girl's desire to leave her body. Then, we can force the ghost out, and persuade her soul to return, or bring her soul to Meifu." Tsuzuki said. Watari nodded.

Tatsumi, Hisoka realized, had an important part in Tsuzuki's stay. He had sat down by Tsuzuki's bed the whole night, and he could hear, from his side of the bed, that they had a long conversation. Sometime during the part where Tsuzuki had broke down and Tatsumi had hugged him, Hisoka had willed himself desperately to sleep, and tried to block away the regrets that were swimming around his head since they returned.

He noticed now, the soft kind gaze Tatsumi had upon Tsuzuki, and the brave smile Tsuzuki put on in return.

He got up from the chair. "Shall we go?" he asked hollowly, and walked out of the room, without waiting for Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki was taller, and more powerful. He caught up easily, in two long strides, and held Hisoka's shoulder to turn him around. He took hold of his hand, and asked, "Shall we?"

Hisoka nodded, looking down at his shoes. He gripped Tsuzuki's hand tightly as Tsuzuki beamed at the rest of his colleagues barely visible through the crack of the door, and in a flash of light, they disappeared.

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They hadn't been alone, since that day. For a week and a half, they were surrounded by other bed-ridden shinigamis, and the regular visits of the doctor-in-charge. Tsuzuki always had a kind word, and everybody else seemed to know who he was. He laughed easily at Takemono-san who was admitted for being accidentally bitten by his dragon shikigami and was then sporting a rather nasty green and yellow colored magical bruise. Adrian-san, the shinigami on business in Japan, was admitted for a broken leg suffered when he was exorcising the demons that had followed the poor victim all the way from Australia to Japan. He laughed when he saw Tsuzuki, and hobbled all the way to his bed to give him a bear hug.

-_What makes me so different than everybody else?_-

The rest of the second week, Tsuzuki had been busy attending welcome back parties. Hisoka hated parties; he wouldn't have minded terribly when it was Watari and Kachou and the others, but he didn't know how to act around the rest of the subdivisions of Meifu. His world was a small one – it had been that way ever since he was born. He only watched from a far corner, as other colleagues surrounded Tsuzuki and prepped him with telling offs and encouragement and cake. Tsuzuki had pushed his way through to the crowd to him, once, and offered to get away somewhere else, somewhere quieter where the crowd's emotions weren't stifling. He refused and scowled for Tsuzuki's benefit. He didn't know how to act around Tsuzuki either. He had spent the rest of the night at the library, with the Gushoushin twins for company and the many many towers of books. He didn't want to be alone.

"It's a nice day out, ne?" Tsuzuki mused; his hand deep in his trench coat-pockets, as they walked down the tarred road towards a grey old building in the distance, with a red cross perched on the very top. It was the only building within sight, and the road was the only sign of any activity. A few cars zoomed up and down.

"Yeah," Hisoka said. It wasn't really. Huge, gray, puffy clouds were slowly making their way across the sky, signaling a thunderstorm.

He glanced sideways at Tsuzuki. He wasn't even looking up at the sky.

Hisoka had dared himself to ask Tsuzuki, what he and Tatsumi had talked about, that night. Tsuzuki had merely grinned and ruffled his hair. He said to Hisoka that it wasn't anything worth worrying about, and Tatsumi had merely questioned him about Muraki and his motives. "Nothing to worry about," he had said, and smiled, before ducking into the store room, for more strawberry cake.

Hisoka had stood in the hallway, and waited for Tsuzuki. He gave up waiting five minutes later, and had gone home by himself.

He rubbed his hands together and blew on them, as they trudged along the road. It was already autumn; and cold wind was spewing and seeping in between their clothes.

"You cold?" Tsuzuki asked, instantly concerned and stopped in his tracks.

Yeah, he was.

"No," he muttered, and shook his head furiously, giving Tsuzuki something that resembled a reassuring smile. He managed a lift of his lips. It seemed to be enough. Tsuzuki smiled again, before continuing.

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They reached the hospital grounds, and the automatic doors opened to release the revolting smell of antiseptics, flowers and injured people all rolled into one. Hisoka decided he didn't like hospitals, though he'd never been in one before. The infirmary was a cheerful place, at least, here it seemed as if people came here to die. It was white and sterile and barren. Occasionally, patients were wheeled in, in stretchers, sporting rather horrifying looking injuries. The thoughts that were emanating from them were subtle –Hisoka had raised his shields when they stepped in- but he couldn't help stopping in his tracks when a dying man's wish seeped between the cracks.

"We're looking for a Sayuri-san," Tsuzuki said politely to the nice-looking lady at the reception counter. She blushed in return, and very willingly, looked up the name for him.

Hisoka felt sick. He looked around for an available chair. There was one, down at the far corner at the end of the hallway. "I'll be waiting for you there," he said, tugging slightly at the sleeves of Tsuzuki's coat. Tsuzuki nodded absently.

He passed several rooms, rushing by them so the thoughts wouldn't linger for too long, and squeezed his eyes shut, when the patients seemed to jolt awake when they sensed someone passing.

There were large glass panes so you could see the patient in each one, probably making it easier for the doctors to do their rounds. It wasn't a pretty sight, with all the wires and tubes hooked up to one's body. Hisoka blinked it all away. His goal was the empty chair, where he would gather his breath, raise his shields, and wait for Tsuzuki.

He had a clear view of Tsuzuki's back. He seemed rather small, from the distance. He was standing in the way he always did, resting his weight on his left leg. His face had a soft expression on it when he talked to the nurse.

Hisoka looked away. He stared at his shoes.

Another shoe came into view and nudged his. Looking up, he saw Tsuzuki smiling back at him. "Hey," he said, and jerked his head towards the lift. "Third floor, West Wing, Room 506 for Sayuri, and East Wing, Room 207 for Sayuri's mom. Which one do you want first?"

He held out a hand, but Hisoka got up without holding it. "The mom," he said. "Easier to deal with than a possessed girl."

Tsuzuki nodded slowly, casting him a wary glance. "Okay," he said.

They walked past the rooms again. Hisoka was rushing even faster this time. The third room was creepy- it emanated stronger thoughts than the rest when he passed it just now. Closing his eyes, he hurried past the few feet, and willed the thoughts away. He was aware that the tap-tap-tap of Tsuzuki's shoes had stopped. He stopped. Turning back, he saw Tsuzuki's face pressed close to the window, and both his hands pressed on the glass on either side.

He hesitated.

"Tsuzuki?" he called from where he was. Tsuzuki didn't budge. Sighing, Hisoka edged just a little closer. He couldn't see from where he was. But he could see Tsuzuki, and the look on his face sent a chill down Hisoka's spine. His eyes were wide, and his breathing labored. "Fuck," Hisoka muttered and sprinted the remaining steps to stop beside Tsuzuki.

He glanced at the patient. It was a young man, a little more than twenty. He was awake, and yet it seemed as if he weren't. His pupils didn't move at all, but Hisoka saw his mouth moving. There were slash marks on his right hand, and ugly scars on his palm. If he realized he had two people staring at him from the outside, he made no notice.

"Come on," he tugged harder at Tsuzuki's coat. The emotions in him were so messed up; he didn't know the line between his, the patient's or Tsuzuki's any longer. There was fear; there was also desperation, and above all, the cry for death; for release. Tearing up, Hisoka tugged harder, and was grateful when Tsuzuki's feet began moving. They moved, he observed from the blurred view of the floor tiles, from white square tiles to chipped pearl ones. He saw the edges of red colored seats dotting the periphery of the hallways, and several green plants.

They stopped when Tsuzuki laid a firm hand on his shoulder, and bent down in front of him to look at him directly in the eye. Hisoka hated it; he hated being seen in a moment of weakness. His banned audience didn't really include Tsuzuki, but he would much rather have three brick walls separating him and his partner now. "I'm okay," he said, nodding again, and jerked out of reach when Tsuzuki raised a hand to cup his cheek.

Tsuzuki nodded slowly and wordlessly, his eyes never leaving Hisoka's face. He felt raw and naked, but couldn't bring himself to wipe away the wetness that was dotting his cheeks. Tsuzuki opened his mouth to say something but he stopped- shook his head, then shut it again. He got back up from his knees, and shoved his hands into his trench coat.

They walked silently towards the elevator. He fell back and when Tsuzuki was three steps ahead of him, he used the back of his hands to smooth out the tears. It would have been so simple, to stop, and tell Tsuzuki and ask him things he couldn't understand, but it wasn't. He didn't want Tsuzuki to smile, and say kind words, and ruffle his hair. They hurt, the kind gestures and affections.

"You know," Tsuzuki said, when they were in the elevator, his voice bouncing off the walls. Hisoka looked up at him. "I don't mind."

"Huh?" Hisoka stared. Tsuzuki looked down and grinned, but his eyes were heavy.

"You being afraid of me," he said. "But I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry." The light switched from the first floor to the second.

Hisoka protested. "I'm not afraid of you." He stared some more, and was relieved when Tsuzuki's gaze grew soft and thoughtful. It was better than the one he put on ten seconds ago.

-_Do you hate me for asking you to stay?_-

He blinked and put a hand to the wall to steady himself, when the elevator stopped. The doors opened, Tsuzuki walked out first. Hisoka stared, shook his head, and then followed.

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The older Sayuri-san was awake and resting in her hospital bed. She had a sour look upon her, and her frown grew deeper, when they knocked and Tsuzuki introduced himself as her psychiatrist. Just a follow up, he said, and some questions about her daughter.

It was clear what she felt for her daughter wasn't just love. It was rage, and jealousy, and over protectiveness all mixed together until it became something darker, and more intense. Tsuzuki was upset at this, he could tell, because of the way his mouth stopped smiling and became pinched at the edges.

How could anyone do that to their daughter? He could practically read it off his forehead.

He thought the mom was rather like his father: controlling, fearful, and ashamed. People love in many different ways, maybe not in the 'in your face', happy, squealing method like Tsuzuki, but sometimes in the desperate, reluctant, and restrained ways. It wasn't the best kind of love, but they knew no other way.

She wanted her daughter to be better, to change into someone whom she wasn't. Expectations were high, and they came crashing down to earth, and deeper still, when she realized her daughter wasn't going to be the ideal person she had formed in her mind. Then, resentment set in and denial ensued. She had the perfect life for her. She was going to study in the most prestigious boarding school in the prefecture, and come out one of the top students in the class. Then, when she graduated, she would be a shoo-in for Toudai, and study law, or perhaps, medicine. The family had seven generations of doctors, and she was the only child.

They would have led a better life. She was struggling, and lived through simple means enough to get them through the day, to support her daughter's education. How could she be so ungrateful, to have not studied harder and become the top of her class? Second wasn't good enough, it just meant that you lost all the same.

Seven years of slave labor and what did she get in return? A high-school drop out who wanted to become an interior designer, an artiste. It was preposterous; she wouldn't hear of it.

They left the room, to hysterical wailing and howling of the woman, trapped immobile in her bed, weakened by antibiotic and a week of fluid diets.

Hisoka breathed in deeply, listening to the hammering of his heart. Stupid pasts. Stupid screwed up parents. And yet, he understood.

Tsuzuki was babbling; nothing at all related to the case. He talked about the things he knew best; of food, of history, of what he did when he last visited the area, a little more than thirty years ago. Talking seemed best when the quiet grew too loud, and Hisoka was more than contented to listen.

They paused at the bridge of the two wings, where the main nurse reception was. There was a waiting area, and vending machines. To his quiet amusement, Tsuzuki's eyes practically lighted up several watts at the sight of the chocolate bars behind the glass.

He fished around for loose change in his pockets; there were none. He wasn't wearing his old jeans. They had been rather scorched by the fires.

Tsuzuki's face fell when he realized he hadn't any either. Hisoka cleared his throat, and then said awkwardly, "I'll treat you to cake after work."

He didn't brighten up. "I was supposed to meet Tatsumi at the sakura trees…" he said, then stopped.

He walked ahead then, not bothering to wait. "It's okay then," he forced a lighthearted tone. "Another time."

There was a hurried sound, and Tsuzuki caught up with him, and flailed his arms about. "A-ah, ne, Hisoka, I'm sure Tatsumi will understand. I want cake. Please?" He glanced sideways, and Tsuzuki had on his toothy grin and a pleading look.

He nodded tersely and couldn't help relapsing into old habits. "One slice. I'm not exactly made of money you know."

Tsuzuki laughed. It made his face heat up this time, and the cold tips of his fingers thawed slightly.

They both stopped in unison when the eerie sounds of several ghosts wailing drifted past, dying down into the walls. Nearby, a nurse dropped her medicine tray in fright and flitted away, darting nervous looks behind her every few feet. Hisoka stared at the room just ahead of them. He glanced at Tsuzuki.

Shrugging back at him, Tsuzuki asked, "Ready?"

He nodded, and edged a step closer to Tsuzuki. "Yeah," he said.

"Kay." Tsuzuki moved first, and Hisoka followed, a few steps behind.

From a distance, it looked, as if he was trying to catch up.


	2. Chapter 2

Apologies for the long wait m(--)m And there are three parts, not two :shamefaced: I hope there won't be a fourth part sneaking up on me. But now you know not to trust me when I tell you things :D Anyway, as usual, feedback is very much appreciated, and do tell me if you like it, don't you::makes Tsuzuki puppy eyes:

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**Part 2/3**

The demon possessed girl was livid. It wasn't her; she was asleep, deeply enclosed in her own mind. Her eyes glowed red and flashed dangerously when Tsuzuki and Hisoka opened the door and stepped into the room. They narrowed into slits and a second later, she burst into shrill laughter, her voice echoing off the barren hospital walls. Hisoka was afraid. His mental shields were up, but they were beginning to crumble at the edges. He could literally see the malice leaking off the girl and seeping into his mind.

Tsuzuki kept his voice low. In a calm, but hurried tone, he asked the demon its name. He kept one hand in the pocket of his trench coat. Hisoka knew his fingers were clasping an ofuda he had written earlier before they had stepped in.

He wondered how in the world Tsuzuki was going to summon one of his shikigami without destroying that portion of the hospital they were in. He had destroyed enough buildings to stay an eternity in the red, without hope of possibly paying off all his debts. Watari had calculated his expenditures, and taking into account his eating habits, and massive destruction habits thus adding to the reimbursement accounts; and managed to conjure up an exponential graph of Tsuzuki's debts. It was only ever going to go up. He pictured Tatsumi's face when he found out that they had destroyed _yet another _building on one of their cases. It wasn't a pretty sight. Hisoka gulped and shook the thought away.

He wondered if he should tell Tsuzuki to take care not to obliterate the building, when the girl rose off her bed, arching her back in a superhuman move, and leaping gracefully to her feet, her long hair trailing behind her. The IV stand was thrown back, and it fell to the floor, where the liquids inside continued dripping from the syringe where the girl had ripped it away from her hand.

"Go back to where you came from," Tsuzuki said softly, his purple eyes hardening.

"She wants me to have her body," the girl replied, curving her pink lips into a devious smile. She took one step forward, and held out a frail hand towards Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki stared at her hand. There were scars on it, presumably from cutting herself. They were ugly, crowding up her entire right wrist. Newer scabs were formed on top of older but not faded away scars. If Tsuzuki was affected by them, there were no sign of it on his face. He looked angry, like there was altogether another being in him that was just as dark, and as terrible as the demon itself.

He couldn't read Tsuzuki's eyes. They weren't soft and kind any longer. It was a deeper purple, and his gaze was hardened and slightly narrowed. His mouth was held in a tight, pinched line. His whole shoulder was tense, like a single move would see him spring into action.

Hisoka was afraid. He had never seen Tsuzuki like that before. It was a mix of determination, horrible sadness and a deep anger, like it had been gathered there for centuries and was now letting itself out.

As far as he knew and of what Tatsumi had said before on passing occasion, ghouls and demons fed on unhappiness. If it was so, Tsuzuki was primary prey.

Hisoka stepped forward. He wasn't a shinigami for nothing. If Tsuzuki couldn't summon his shiki, he could try to bind the girl from moving. At least, it would stop her from possessing Tsuzuki if she intended to. It would stop him from doing another stupid thing that he had no qualms thinking twice. He closed his eyes and put his palms together.

Before he could even begin to form the mantra in his mind, he felt something slam into him. He was thrown back, and felt his back crash into the wall, and something tangled in his hands. He opened his eyes dizzily, trying frantically to unknot his hands and touch solid ground to regain his balance, but found himself staring into the blood red eyes of the demon.

"Hisoka!" he could hear Tsuzuki shout, desperate and frantic, from quite far away. He wasn't sure; his ears were ringing.

She snarled, baring her teeth.

He was frozen. Please don't touch me, was all he could think, as he sat to his back against the wall, with the girl hovering over him. Her long hair clouded his vision. He couldn't see past her.

Tsuzuki closed his eyes and started reciting the chants to unleash his shiki.

From the mantra, Hisoka knew who he was going to call. He panicked suddenly, because Tsuzuki can't— he can't call one of them out without at least injuring somebody, and this was a hospital for goodness sake. Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath and pushed the girl away. He couldn't see what he touched, but he felt hair, and skin and he pushed. The darkness seeped into him, and he couldn't breathe. They were swirling, around him and in him, and in between the dark thoughts, and his own, someone else's emotions were pushing around, wanting to get to him.

The girl, he thought.

"Tsuzuki, no!" he shouted, hoping Tsuzuki would stop. "The hospital!"

It was too late. There was an enormous roar, and Hisoka's stomach sank. Byakko was an otherwise gentle entity in the comfort of Gensoukai and JuohChoh; he was altogether a different being in the lines of battle. The ferocious looking tiger god had an majestic aura; he was fearsome and powerful and wouldn't even think about the hospital, least of all the hundreds of lives in the halls below. Truth be told, Hisoka couldn't care less either.

But Tsuzuki would.

They hadn't done that much damage…yet.

Byakko had ripped apart the walls of the room so far. There was a gaping hole where bricks and plaster and paint should have been. They could see the blackened sky from where they were. Screw the beautiful day Tsuzuki had talked about earlier.

He thought about Tsuzuki's face when he found out the girl was dead.

Time to change tactics. He pulled the girl in and ignored the cold shock that seeped further into him. He ignored Tsuzuki's cries too. He needed to do it. If he could just get to the girl, if he could just make her regain control of her own body…The demon was howling in laughter now. Her long nails dug into his blue shirt, and touched skin. She scratched deep, and he could feel the scars already, carving into his already scarred body. He searched deep, and called out to her.

He could feel Byakko too. He was dangerously close, but he knew he wouldn't touch her if it meant endangering Hisoka. He draw her closer, and tried his best to shield her from the tiger god. He could hear Tsuzuki shouting in frustration at him to let go.

"Miaka…" he called, searching, wading into deeper darker murky depths of the girl's soul. There was nothing to be found. It was an inky blackness, with nothing awaiting him, and nothing changing. He was too deep now, to be thrusted back into his own body. The demon couldn't injure him here, although she could reach him with her thoughts.

Somewhere far away, he could hear Tsuzuki's desperate calls.

He ignored it, and continued on. "Miaka!" he shouted. His voice echoed across the darkness, and faded away with a sad silence.

He was sure he heard her, when he made contact with her body moments earlier. Shrugging back his own desperation, Hisoka waded on. Could it be, that she had already left? And that she had already gave up? "MIAKA!" he screamed, until his voice was hoarse and his throat was scratchy. He waited for a response. Please, please let her say something. His head was spinning; he wasn't sure how long he could stay there any longer. Three souls in one body if the girl was still in there somewhere; that was a bit too much wasn't it? Her body had to be taking a toll due to this.

Then, the influx of thoughts.

It came, so fast, like a raging river, that Hisoka had no time to gather about his senses and prepare himself. The words and feelings swirled around and into him, until he felt like he was drowning in them. The blackness was gone, there was only blinding white, and he couldn't see beyond it. He wasn't wading any longer; his body felt devoid of any gravitational pull, he felt quite like he was hurtling towards the white emptiness, slamming into nothingness and yet utterly horrifying brightness. He tried calling for help, but the words silenced him. Her thoughts mingled with the demons.

Help me, some said. I am going to destroy you, and your partner, the evil thoughts emanated and throbbed.

Hisoka couldn't take it.

He squeezed his eyes shut and screamed.

He was thrown back into his own consciousness, and he sat where he was for a while, in a blur, and unawares of the situation around him. He just sat, and gathered his breath. His mind was foggy; and throbbing slightly. He could feel the scars glow from underneath his shirt.

There was barely time to breathe. He looked up, snapping his head to see where Tsuzuki was, and met with a sight of fur. Then, a slam, and after a few more blinks, he ended up in Tsuzuki's arms. He remembered the feeling afterwards; cold and wet.

"The girl! You can't-" he cried out, reaching out a hand helplessly to stop Byakko, in vain. He pushed Tsuzuki away. "You can't—" he shook his head.

There was an ear-deafening roar, and an even deafening scream. It seemed to fill the room, and the space beyond it. The building seemed to tremble, and Hisoka actually saw plaster crack across the walls that hadn't already crumbled. His hands gripped Tsuzuki's arms tightly. He couldn't believe it. He opened his mouth but whatever that came out was silenced by what he saw next. It was like a silent movie. Byakko's fur was bristling, and his muzzle held back in a snarl so you could see the enormous teeth. His eyes were fierce, and there was only focus and determination in them. This was one tiger god who was not letting his prey out of sight.

Tsuzuki had let go of him at this point, and had the ofuda between the forefingers of both his hands. He closed his eyes, and chanted. Hisoka had to stop him. He had to do something before Tsuzuki regretted this…

It was too late. It was over within a few seconds. When he could hear himself again, there was only ringing silence, an overturned bed, and an empty body on the floor beside the wall. The demon was gone; vanquished by Tsuzuki. Byakko was by Tsuzuki's side again, enormous, and hunched by his master's feet, staring at the destruction he had made. The girl's soul was a fragile, translucent thing. She hovered above her body, seemingly shocked and scared.

Hisoka could only begin to feel the beginning's of a regret from a certain someone. He felt himself get angry, and he decided to act before he could regret what he was doing.

"I'm taking her along," he snapped, breaking the silence.

"Hisoka, I…" Tsuzuki's voice was soft, horrified.

"I'm going back to Meifu."

"Hisoka."

He teleported away, dragging the girl with him, for once, he forgot to console her, forgot to explain the details, just zapped off, dragging her soul with him and leaving Tsuzuki behind.

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	3. Chapter 3

"I don't wanna talk to him," Hisoka said flatly when he reappeared in the office, frightening Watari who was hunched in front of his computer, engrossed in his project-of-the-week. Or perhaps he was still hoping to get lucky with the sex-changing potion thing again. Whichever.

"Huh?" Watari blinked, after jumping three feet in the air in fright, and readjusted his spectacles. "What's wrong?" He rushed out of his chair. "Where's Tsuzuki? Is he in trouble?"

"He's fine." He turned and stomped towards the exit. "The girl's soul is safely with Enma Daioh now."

The library… no, somewhere where Tsuzuki would never find him. Preferably for the next three thousand years.

As soon as he said that, there was a loud thump. He whirled around to see Tsuzuki tangled with Watari on the floor. The both of them sorted themselves out, with Watari rubbing his head sheepishly, and Tsuzuki wincing in pain. With his presence, came the other part that he hated.

His head instantly throbbed. Fuck.

He turned to leave.

"Hisoka, wait!" Tsuzuki scrambled from the floor to his feet.

"I don't…" he replied tiredly. He was just as exhausted, if not more, than Tsuzuki. "I can't deal with this right now." It was his turn to direct a pleading glance to Tsuzuki. He was desperate to get away from him, if only to get a bit of a breather, and to gather his thoughts.

"I didn't mean to kill her."

Watari looked back and forth between the two of them, a confused look on his face.

"Please." A whisper, and Hisoka couldn't move. Desperation in Tsuzuki's voice, a cry to listen. He stared at Tsuzuki silently, and saw all the things that he didn't want to see. He saw a broken man, the fire, death, and so much sadness.

"I don't… I didn't mean to…"

"I don't need you to protect me," Hisoka choked, stepping backwards and against a table. How many times did he need to do it until he lost it? How many times until the scene with Touda repeated itself? "Why do you always act like you're the only shinigami out there?"

"The demon was going to get you!"

_-Am I not worthy of being your partner?-_

"It was sure as hell going to get _you_ for all the thoughts you were thinking!"

A guilty look crept across Tsuzuki's face. He flushed, now knowing that Hisoka knew every thought that crossed his mind during the battle. An unspoken issue between the two finally introduced itself.

The lump in Hisoka's throat grew larger as he unwillingly fought the wetness in his eyes. He hated that vulnerable feeling. He hated Tsuzuki for provoking that feeling in him. He hated fearing that Tsuzuki would leave forever every time he had that look in his eyes. He hated that he was the one who was responsible for making Tsuzuki feel sad just because he made him stay.

"I'm not going to go anywhere, Hisoka. I promised," Tsuzuki said quietly.

"We're partners, Tsuzuki," he snapped, ignoring the last sentence and fearing the amount of truth in them. "Make sure you remember that every time you jump into battle without a care for the other people around you."

"Hisoka."

He whirled around, and brown filled his vision as Tatsumi brushed past him and reached over to hold Tsuzuki's elbow. "Careful with your words," he warned, glancing worriedly sideways at a dejected-looking Tsuzuki.

Right. He probably hurt Tsuzuki again with that comment.

He bowed slightly. "Sorry," he said softly. Tatsumi smiled, a reassuring one that did nothing to calm the nerves in his stomach.

"It's okay," he said easily, smoothing things out with that professional smile, and the comforting touches. Tsuzuki hung his head, and leaned in slightly to Tatsumi's shoulder. "You guys just returned to the field. There's bound to be a few glitches."

"And as for you, Tsuzuki," Tatsumi gripped Tsuzuki on his elbow and started steering him towards the door, "I believe it's time for our tea time appointment?"

Tsuzuki looked up, and glanced at Tatsumi, before looking over his shoulder to look at Hisoka.

He looked awkwardly away.

He felt bad, for making Tsuzuki worse. Tatsumi always seemed to know the right things to say to Tsuzuki to cheer him up, so it would be good that he spend more time with him.

"Hisoka," Watari coughed, breaking the silence when it was only the two of them left in the office.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Hisoka said decidedly, letting a note of determination creep into his voice.

"Tsuzuki needs a bit of time, don't worry 'bout it."

"I know," Hisoka said. He gestured lamely towards the door. "I'm just going to go… um… finish up the report about today's case okay?"

Watari frowned at him, crossing his arms across his chest. "This isn't like you, bouya," he said gently. "I know it's probably harder for you than for him at this point, but if you keep doing this, it's going to cost you, sooner or later."

"I'm fine," he said again, harsher than he intended.

Watari nodded, obviously still upset with Hisoka's nonchalant replies, but giving in. "Okay," he sighed. "Just, get more sleep, okay? And come to me if any trouble pops up."

"Right." He smiled. He grabbed a few empty papers on the desk on the way out, and a couple of pens. He waved them at Watari, showing that he really was going to do his reports, and dumped them in the nearest dustbin he passed along the hallway.

* * *

In a way, being alone was rather comforting. There were no one else's emotions to deal with but your own. You don't have to look after other people's feelings, or risk offending them in any way. There wasn't a need to make small talk, or laugh when you really didn't feel like laughing, or get cajoled into doing something you really didn't want to do.

He'd picked the darkest corner of the library, where even if one were to search carefully in between the bookshelves to peer into the shadows, it would still be difficult to pick out his profile. Just the way he liked it, just the way it has always been.

Only, there wasn't much solace to be found because the memories kept reliving themselves over and over again, like a broken recorder.

He really…

He really hated not being strong enough.

It was true; he would have been gone by now if Tsuzuki hadn't saved him back then. He hated it. He hated being weak.

He wanted to be a worthy partner to Tsuzuki, someone worthy enough to stay for.

"Hisoka?"

He blinked, snapped out of his brooding thoughts. The voice rang out, loud and clear, throughout the library.

Tsuzuki.

He huddled in his huge armchair, and listened.

Tsuzuki's footsteps were loud in the quiet of the library. He could hear it approaching nearer and nearer, and then suddenly, the sounds started to fade away. He let go the air he was holding in, thankful. The place he hid was dark enough.

"There you are." Tsuzuki walked into view, and sat across him, in the other arm chair.

Hisoka startled, and jumped. He stared at Tsuzuki with a slight blush, having been caught. He didn't expect him to actually find him.

Tsuzuki grinned. "Your favourite chair, Hisoka. I caught you sleeping here too many times to count already."

He flushed. Okay, so maybe he should have picked a more secluded place. "What do you want?" he scowled, more out of habit than anything.

"To apologise," Tsuzuki confessed. "Ne… we hadn't really," he scratched his head, and looked away, mumbling, "talked about what happened."

"I don't… I really don't have anything to say about it," Hisoka said, snapping his book shut, and looking at the cover. Anywhere but Tsuzuki.

"Then it's okay. Just listen, Hisoka. It's true, what I told you. I'm not going anywhere. Not for the next hundred years. And I'm going to be the best partner you would ever want." Tsuzuki was beautiful. He really was. He was kind, and earnest, and sincere. His hand was open, but Hisoka was afraid to take it. Muraki was like that too; charming and seducing, until Hisoka grasped those fingers, and descended lower into hell.

"I told you before." He leaned back, and brought his knees to his chest and hugged them. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

The look on Tsuzuki's face made him instantly regret what he'd just said. But he couldn't just compromise his own beliefs by agreeing with whatever Tsuzuki told him. That would be adding to the stack of false promises that had fallen between them.

"Just… make sure you protect yourself first. The next time we go out to battle."

Tsuzuki nodded furiously.

"And I don't mean physically either."

Silence between the two of them.

"So…" he coughed. "How was the tea?"

"Ah…" Tsuzuki looked uncomfortable. "It was great. Tatsumi gave me two cakes this time. I'm sorry. We'll go have cake another time, right?"

Hisoka smiled. He shouldn't have brought it up. Something ached in his chest every time someone made Tsuzuki happy and it wasn't him. Somehow, his smile seemed brighter when it was with other people, nervous and hopeful when with him. "Yeah," he said.

"Kay." Tsuzuki fidgeted in his own armchair, waiting for one of them to say something.

Hisoka reopened his book, and flipped to the page he thought he was reading (in actuality, he hadn't even started yet, the words were a blur to him) and pretended to be engrossed in it until Tsuzuki nervously made his leave.

* * *

Tatsumi made him nervous. Or rather, his small office made him nervous. The soft gaze on his face wasn't helping, like he was there to give him a gentle talking-to instead of a fierce lecture. Somehow, Hisoka thought, he'd much rather prefer the lecture.

He shifted his weight from his left foot to his right, and glanced at the door every two minutes. Tatsumi was a difficult person to read. His thoughts were neutral, and carefully shielded. Hisoka didn't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing.

"As you know only too well, Hisoka, that Tsuzuki uh… is still recovering from that incident," Tatsumi began, clasping and unclasping his fingers. He leaned in closer, bringing in the distance between the two of them from across the table.

"I know you didn't mean what you said earlier just now, and I know also, that Tsuzuki didn't mean to belittle you, from what I heard. He just … felt a strong urge to protect his partner whom he believed to be in terrible danger." He smiled at Hisoka, who was beginning to slide lower in his chair, wanting very much to get the hell out of the place.

"I know all that," he responded quietly, looking at his hands.

"I know you do," Tatsumi said easily, and then his eyes hardened. "But that's not my purpose in calling you here. Tsuzuki's hurting you, I can tell, and you're scared—" he promptly ignored any protests of 'Who says I'm scared?'- "but my stand remains the same. You're the best partner there ever was for Tsuzuki, and you're the only person who can save him."

It made Hisoka angry, although he didn't lash out at Tatsumi. He knew better. But what made him think that he was really as good as Tatsumi said? What made him think that Tsuzuki _wanted_ to be saved?

"My words will only reach him this far," Tatsumi said, gesturing with his fingers, about an inch of space. "But he'll listen. To you. Closing yourself off from him at this point will only aggravate the situation between the two of you."

"He doesn't want…" Hisoka slammed his fist down on the table in frustration. "You don't know what he wants."

"And what do _you_ think he wants?" Tatsumi frowned, and rested his chin on top of his hands, propped by elbows.

_Death._

"It doesn't matter what he wants," he whispered. "He only cares about what other people want."

A shadow crossed Tatsumi's face at that moment, and he looked away before he composed himself.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Tatsumi asked. "Everybody's selfish, that's what you think right? But Tsuzuki… he is a different case. What he wants, is to see that everybody else gets what they want. You want him to stay… so he did. Why are you still beating him up over it?"

"That's not…" he gripped his knuckles so hard they became white. "I don't want him to stay…just for me."

"Well, you, like Tsuzuki," Tatsumi smiled, a strange and sad smile, "have to learn that not everybody gets what they want. You have to work around it."

"Ah," Tatsumi blinked, and looked over Hisoka's head. "You're here."

Hisoka whirled his head, and saw Tsuzuki leaning awkwardly against the doorway. He stuck out his hand and beamed when he saw Hisoka. Hisoka scowled. It was an automatic reflex, that. He really needed to work on it. Every time Tsuzuki had that sugary high grin on his face, he was up to no good at all, and made Hisoka want to smack him without even finding out the meaning behind the smile.

The panicky feeling returned. "I, um," he gestured vaguely, as he began to ease the chair backwards to get up, "need to go."

"Yup," Tatsumi said, almost gleeful in his otherwise stoic expression. The glint in glasses gave him away.

Hisoka stopped in his tracks, and eyed him suspiciously.

"And just in time too, Tsuzuki. Hisoka's just finished reporting to me the details of the last case. He's free to go now." Tatsumi waved Hisoka off almost too casually.

Hisoka narrowed his eyes at the secretary. "Where am I going?"

He didn't have time to weasel an answer out of Tatsumi. Tsuzuki grinned some more and waved his puppy dog tail enthusiastically at Hisoka, and he morosely gave in, trudging after his partner to wherever they were going and not telling him.

He glared when Tsuzuki had the nerve to ask him to close his eyes.

Truth be told, he didn't feel comfortable being led around with his eyes closed. Maybe, a while ago, he would have said yes, but not now, when his guard was _this_ high.

Tsuzuki sighed, defeated, and gave in to his refusal. They walked down the hallway, (Hisoka noticed), a big gap between the two of them, both talking to each other, but refusing to make eye contact.

He really didn't want to be mean and spoil the surprise or whatever, but he wasn't in the mood for games right now.

"Here we are," Tsuzuki said, standing in front of the door which led to Watari's laboratory.

"What are we doing here?" Hisoka looked at him, confused.

Tsuzuki opened his mouth to answer but was cut short by a loud BANG! from within the laboratory. The both of them jumped, but didn't comment. They were too used to Watari's experiments to care by now.

"You'll see," Tsuzuki said, and pushed open the door, when the smoke stopped seeping out from the crack.

"Watarii," he called out.

"Here." A muffled voice.

Hisoka strained to seek him out.

The bang wasn't quite from what he had expected. He stared in surprise, at the sight that greeted him once the smoke cleared. The glass and beakers were moving, by _themselves._ He stared some more, wondering if the smoke got into his head. The little explosion was cause by well… a beaker and a glass tube. One had moved too fast, and tipped over to the beaker, caused the chemicals to mix and bond, and boom.

Watari was shaking his head at the mess. "My skills suck," he said tragically.

Hisoka looked at Tsuzuki for explanation. Tsuzuki seemed to sense that he was bewildered at the sight of inanimate objects having a life of their own because he explained without him asking. "Watari can bring objects to life," he said simply. "Or drawings. Haven't you ever wondered what his special skill was?"

"I didn't think…" Hisoka's widened with interest. "Watari, that's so cool."

"Maa…" Watari grinned sheepishly. "Thank you."

"Would you like me to draw something for you?" he quipped, the same time Tsuzuki said in a deadpan, "His drawings suck though."

"Hey!"

Hisoka tried to keep the smile off his face, but it was hard, really.

"Let's go, Hisoka."

"Go where?"

"Gensoukai."

His eyes really did widen this time. In fact, they almost popped out of their sockets. He'd never been to Gensoukai, even though he heard about it from Tsuzuki. It was where all the shikigamis resided. Tsuzuki went there often, to pay a visit to his twelve. Hisoka had only met three of Tsuzuki's shiki though. There was Byakko, and Suzaku…

And Touda.

"I had a talk with Konoe," Tsuzuki mumbled, his back to Hisoka. "It doesn't seem fair, that I am the only one with a shikigami, so…"

"What?" His heart started beating faster. Was he hearing things right? Did Tsuzuki mean…

He was getting a shikigami on his own?

Tsuzuki turned around, and beamed. He crouched next to Hisoka, and started drawing imaginary circles on the lab floor with his finger. "I know Hisoka is strong as well, perhaps even stronger than me. But I'm afraid. That's why I…" He finger stopped.

"That's why I called out Byakko that day."

"I want Hisoka to stay here too, just like you wanted me to."

"So… Konoe agreed that it was about time you searched for a shikigami on your own, so at least you have one to protect you," Tsuzuki finished, then peered at Hisoka for his reaction.

Hisoka couldn't believe his ears. He thought Tsuzuki would be adamant about always being the dominant one in their partnership, while all Hisoka had to do was to sit back and watch, and write up reports.

"I…" he said, fumbling for the right words.

There were none he could find to express his happiness.

_I want Hisoka to stay here too, just like you wanted me to._

"Ready?" Watari asked, waggling his eyebrows. He stood, hands to his hips, next to his computer.

Tsuzuki offered his hand. Hisoka stared at it for a while.

And this time, he readily took it.

Maybe their partnership wasn't perfect. Tsuzuki needed a bit of work, and so did Hisoka. Both of them were screwed up in a lot of ways. But maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all, to have someone to depend on.

The smile he gave Tsuzuki this time was genuine, and the feel of his hands were warm, and safe.

"I'm ready," he said sincerely.

* * *

**A/n: **Sorry for the wait, it's finally complete now ) Waiii…. My first completed series. Feedback is always appreciated, and thank you. 


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